One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well. However, you are parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 a.m. Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a
diet Coke--- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (for the
ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding bumper cars)..
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your
sphincter is in perpetual
spasm, and the first of about five dumps you take during the day brings
water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners
of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants
of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
so your tongue is suffocating you. Any attempt to defecate results in a
fire-hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater'
thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the
toilet water all over your @$$. You are thinking that Death might be
better that this...